Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
