im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
