You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
what day is it and did you see me today?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I supernannyed him into submission
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
