Betty ford says i'm here all night
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
