We're like a lot better than the average bears
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
