if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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