She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
