I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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