Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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