why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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