i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
