Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
