its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
