In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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