i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
