She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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