i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
