Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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