3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Swine flu. Run for my life!
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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