Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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