i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I think my moral compass just broke
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