i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
