the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Randomize
