he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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