my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
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