M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
