trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
