I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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