I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
