It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
