ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
