I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
