Do you still have your period?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I booty called her while she was in labor.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
