That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
