Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
