Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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