I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
