hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
