I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
