maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
