you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
