I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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