OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
