ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
