at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
She needs sedatives and a leash
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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