update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
