I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
