When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He better not be in your backpack
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Randomize
