Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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