your parents love me but you hate me
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
