I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
